PORTLAND, OR -- Men and women all across America are beginning to wonder if new technology erodes the social fabric due to the fact that they seem to have an irresistible urge to facepunch anyone wearing a Google Glass. This calls into question the old saw, "You never hit a man who's wearing glasses."
"I was just walking through the mall's food court, and all of a sudden, a feeling of pure rage came over me," said Ernest Gillenbotham, "sure enough, I look up and see this techno-hipster talking to his goddamned glasses. I left the mall immediately in a spitting fit. I didn't even start my shopping."
Gillenbotham, 36, is no Luddite. He owns a 2 computers, a smartphone, and uses social media. He has over 3,000 followers on Twitter @WhiteGuySays. "I understand how technology can help us, but computerized glasses? Gimme a break!"
Local police have come to the realization that what they took for random acts of violence are actually part of a larger national trend. "We looked at hundreds of assault cases across the country," proffered FBI Special Agent Randall Stone, "and all of the cases had one thing in common: the victims were using Google Glass."
What threw law enforcement for a curve, initially, was the fact that these technological hate crimes were being perpetrated in some unusual locations. "We saw assaults in libraries, bookstores, movie theaters, funeral homes, and churches," said Stone. Asked why these brazen attacks took place in such odd places, he said, "I guess because they are places where people want other people to be quiet."
Google Public Relations Director, Jan Schmitt says that the company has no plans to take Glass off of the shelfs. "Why would we do that? All the folks that are getting punched in the face will need a new pair. I'm sure this will eventually blow over."
"Our research showed that constantly walking around with a bluetooth in your ear was only rated a 75-80 percent douche-move. We want people to achieve 100 percent douche-ness, and we want Google to be the company that gets you there."
I sat down with Kevan McAllister, a graphic designer by day and, not surprisingly, a DJ by night. Kevan has had his Google Glass for about 3 weeks, and has already been victim of two assaults. One took place in a second-hand bookstore, the other happened as Kevan pulled up to a red light on his fixed-gear bike.
"It all happened so fast," he says, "I was using Google Maps through the Glass, and when I came to a stop, the guy in the car next to me just jumped out, punched me in the jaw, got back in his car and sped off."
I asked for Kevan's help in understanding this rash of violence. When we first met, he wasn't wearing the Glass. I asked if he wouldn't mind slipping them on, so I could gauge people's reactions to the oddly bespectacled man. When he put them on, honestly, nobody seemed the wiser, until he started using the voice commands.
As he sat there, shouting, "Back. Go. Search. Go," I had to stifle the urge to punch him in his stupid hipster face.
"I was just walking through the mall's food court, and all of a sudden, a feeling of pure rage came over me," said Ernest Gillenbotham, "sure enough, I look up and see this techno-hipster talking to his goddamned glasses. I left the mall immediately in a spitting fit. I didn't even start my shopping."
Gillenbotham, 36, is no Luddite. He owns a 2 computers, a smartphone, and uses social media. He has over 3,000 followers on Twitter @WhiteGuySays. "I understand how technology can help us, but computerized glasses? Gimme a break!"
Local police have come to the realization that what they took for random acts of violence are actually part of a larger national trend. "We looked at hundreds of assault cases across the country," proffered FBI Special Agent Randall Stone, "and all of the cases had one thing in common: the victims were using Google Glass."
What threw law enforcement for a curve, initially, was the fact that these technological hate crimes were being perpetrated in some unusual locations. "We saw assaults in libraries, bookstores, movie theaters, funeral homes, and churches," said Stone. Asked why these brazen attacks took place in such odd places, he said, "I guess because they are places where people want other people to be quiet."
Google Public Relations Director, Jan Schmitt says that the company has no plans to take Glass off of the shelfs. "Why would we do that? All the folks that are getting punched in the face will need a new pair. I'm sure this will eventually blow over."
"Our research showed that constantly walking around with a bluetooth in your ear was only rated a 75-80 percent douche-move. We want people to achieve 100 percent douche-ness, and we want Google to be the company that gets you there."
I sat down with Kevan McAllister, a graphic designer by day and, not surprisingly, a DJ by night. Kevan has had his Google Glass for about 3 weeks, and has already been victim of two assaults. One took place in a second-hand bookstore, the other happened as Kevan pulled up to a red light on his fixed-gear bike.
"It all happened so fast," he says, "I was using Google Maps through the Glass, and when I came to a stop, the guy in the car next to me just jumped out, punched me in the jaw, got back in his car and sped off."
I asked for Kevan's help in understanding this rash of violence. When we first met, he wasn't wearing the Glass. I asked if he wouldn't mind slipping them on, so I could gauge people's reactions to the oddly bespectacled man. When he put them on, honestly, nobody seemed the wiser, until he started using the voice commands.
As he sat there, shouting, "Back. Go. Search. Go," I had to stifle the urge to punch him in his stupid hipster face.